About the writer:
Written by Annie Lim, Mentor and Practitioner, Property and Finance, Australia, Asia and UK
“Well, a man shall leave his mother, and a woman leaves her home. They shall travel onto where the TWO shall be as ONE…” – I was in the church choir as a teenager and I grow up learning that couples when they get married, that they should leave each other’s respective territories and build a home of their own. It is still a philosophy I think is good and logical, but I am also open to the fact that sometimes circumstances may take precedence.
Couples starting out together as a family, having children, adjusting to lives; there are already many variables to cope with. With another set of family in the same household (i.e. parents) may pose another set of issues. There could be issues on who is the head of the family, who has the final say? Will there be unnecessary meddling into daily living issues? Will the parents influence the couple unnecessarily such that the couple do not learn how to deal with issues themselves?
Society tries to balance leaving, cleaving and filial piety which is why in some countries there are incentives given to couples buying properties near their parents, or the idea of granny flats built at the back of the families’ backyards.
Staying with parents should not be an obligation; inspirational if love is the primary motivation. Increasingly the role of parents and grandparents are highlighted in many societies. Intergenerational living is a buzz word that has caught on in many places. The idea of ‘village’ living that families live in a community of like-minded families where they look after and look out for each other. ‘It takes a village to raise a child’ – an African proverb that means that an entire community of people must interact with children for those children to experience and grow in a safe and healthy environment. The villagers ‘look out’ for the children, not ‘raise’ the children…
Practicality of intergenerational living has increased in significance too. Parents willing and able to help out with grandkids are definitely a welcome plus to many younger families. Young families with shortage of cash and the need to send their kids to childcare if they are still working either for money or to keep up with their vocational knowledge, would welcome such parental help, often with no definite payments involved.
Imagine a situation of living under the same roof, at an abode where there is still privacy for both the couple and the parents, yet kids do not need nannies as they have live-in grandparents. Working couples coming home to ready home cooked meals. A season of living in the privacy of their own domains within a bigger domain. Kids growing up with their parents and grandparents, and parents around to love both their kids and grandkids. Sounds like too good to be true? Well, yes, it could be for some people. Personalities are an important consideration, lots of working out to do. But even in a two-person world, there are relationship issues to work on. Where there is love and with boundaries defined, intergenerational living could work.
Particularly, in the case of families migrating to a foreign country, intergenerational living may be an even more pertinent situation. Instead of placing parents in a one or two bedder apartments and the younger family staying in a say, townhouse, intergenerational living could mean a merge of two properties into one, two expenses into one and the half, solve the issues of childcare and ageing (looking after grandkids gives new found meaning for some grandparents…)
Choose a good intergenerational living location. Neighbours, schools, convenience of shops, amenities and transportation. If it is to be intergenerational, it should be simple logistics particularly for the elderly who may not be driving.
If three generations can stay together and value add one another’s life, at the same time preserve the sanity of the younger couple’s married life and they get help with kids, money (perhaps?), meals, house cleaning (oh dear, parents are not ‘maids!’), then maybe it is worth a consideration. But do treasure parents; it is their golden years and it is important to help them enjoy their golden years too instead of giving them tied down obligations with grandkids.
Better still if you can choose your neighbours, it is an instant network for the family. Looking out for each other, sharing similar values, see each other’s kids grow up and help one another.
Life is a season of seasons. Changes happen. Transitions happen. Limited money, responsibilities towards children and parents are important elements which bring much joy and happiness…
Intergenerational living, a yea or nay for you?